Thursday, July 23, 2009

Official, from the source, they were created...

Today I found conclusive eye witness reports and confessions that bed bugs were created by the citizens of New Jersey and unleashed on New York in an effort to get back at them for constantly scoffing "Garden State? Heh... more like parking lot!"

The source. James, a man I saw sleeping on the bench outside of the path train:

At first I simply thought of James as a man without a home... what we in New York call homeless. But then it occurred to me: there are many reasons a man may sleep outside the conforts of his home, and bed bugs was one of them. So I approached him.

"Do you have a quarter?" asked James.

"I have a query."

"That's not a quarter."

"Are you not at your house because of bed bugs?"

"Excuse me?"

"Have you fled your domicile due to a bed bug infestation?"

James laughed at this... scoffed actually.

"Yeah, I'm not at home because of bed bugs."

"And do you know where they came from?"

"HA! Yeah... I invented them... I invented them so that I could spread them around all over the country to places like... where do you live?"

"The Upper West Side [a lie but I could not reveal my identity. I've seen movies like Indiana Jones]."

"Yeah, so I could put them in your apartment in the upper west side."

It was so simple. So so simple. Jersey, jealous from their common perception as a disgusting parking lot got back the only way they knew how... poison and organic warfare. This time with bugs. The pieces all fit in the puzzle.

"Is that so?" I asked.

"Yeah, now you got a quarter?"

I didn't. But I had an answer. And I could go home and rest soundly knowing that my journey was not for naught.

Except it has been really hard to sleep ever since those bugs got there... even though they're gone I can't stop thinking about them. Ech. Gross.

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